This week has been crazy for me. At work we organised an event for 600+ people in London plus 30 international satellite events. Yes, it was as crazy as it sounds. As I was walking around in those rare moments of silence I was saying to myself ‘Oh, I’m definitely heavier. I feel heavier. It must be fluid retention. I better cut down on my salt. Look! My breasts are definitely bigger. Might be PMS’. Not exactly the mind of a calm and relaxed person.
The first thing I did when I woke up this morning was to ask myself what I wanted to do and the thought came to go for a run by the canal. I’ve lived in this studio for nearly three months and I haven’t even walked by the canal. I crawled back into bed for a another couple of hours and downloaded some apps for training from 0 to a 5k run and other bits and bobs. Whilst getting dressed I spotted my scale. Now, I have a horrible relationship with the scales. If I’ve been working hard and the numbers don’t match then I feel disheartened and especially since I’ve been walking around all week feeling really heavy. I gave myself a pep talk first and then stepped on. I had lost 2.5kg in 10 days.
My mental chatter convinced me that my body was heavier. Somehow it feels as though I don’t really fully live in my body. I can put on 10kg and not realise and clearly, the other way ’round. On somedays it seems to be this heavy thing that I lump around with me. Yet, I’m constantly touching/feeling my body. Putting moisturiser on, stretching and walking. Still, I am unconscious of the parameters of me. Unless I am in pain then I’m physically out of touch. I am little upset by it but, I’m recognising and honouring all the different bits of me so, this is something that I have to work with. Freeing my mental weight might be something that I have to work on long after the physical weight has melted away.
And, yes the run was lovely. My goal is to run three times a week and then, hopefully in 9 weeks time I’ll be able to run 5k. I can walk/run it at the moment but I would love to run all the way. I finished it off with a 20min walk and 50 squats – I started the 30 day squat challenge today. I watched Destiny Godley’s video on YouTube on and I thought I need to do this. Try it!
Usually, I have to tell the voice in my voice to ‘F*** off!’ So, imagine my surprise when I was falling asleep on the train and the voice said ‘Right. To the gym!’. I thought ‘Ha?’ I was confused. Perplexed. When I say I was feeling asleep I mean properly drifting off with my head banging against the side of the train a few times. And I never sleep in moving vehicles. For two nights I had a total of 10 hours sleep. The first night I had to go back to work at 10.30pm to sort out some mess and the other night I spent the evening with an upset friend. Generally, on days like this I tend to over eat and not exercise. When I managed to walk into the gym last night and actually do Blogilates’ Shuffle-a-Truffle I was like WHAT THE HELL!! I never knew I had it in me. Running sideways on a treadmill is actually quite fun. I’m going to try running backwards. Maybe not anytime soon though.
This morning I reluctantly stepped on to the scale. All week I felt lighter but the last thing I wanted to step onto the scales and I find that I was on the same weight or heavier. With PCOS working out does not always translate to the numbers that you want. Plus, I feel so great I didn’t want to blow it. Like I had done in the past. I was happy to see that I’ve lost 2kg this week! Yay for me! It spurred me on to do Blogilates’ workout for the day and I realise I like jumping. As a child I was always made to stay in one place and not run around (plus I love reading) so I’m always self conscious when I’m jumping or moving quickly. But, I’ve found that I like jumping. I’m sure my neighbours don’t though. I won’t be stepping on the scales again for a month now. I don’t want to judge my performance by numbers alone. I hope that you have had an inspiring workout today.
My first day back in the gym for 8 days now. I had a little bit of that back to school feeling when you’re slightly uncertain if all the kids will still like you. But then you spot your friend and everything is alright again. Well, my friend is the elliptical machine. Every time I see it I think ‘You’re going to give me a great workout. Yay!’ I’m trying to work through all the nerves I feel before I workout. It feels like every time I get into the changing room I have 5 minutes where I completely freak out and then I make myself walk out and after 2 mins I’m fine. Does anyone else feel like this? I am naming it Gymxiety. Gym+anxiety. I forgot my Gymanxiety and did 10 mins on the elliptical and 30 mins on the treadmill. As always interval training.
I took a 25mins walk yesterday and you know, I miss walking in the open air. I remember walking for hours in the rain and loving it but, hating the reason I was walking. (Because I couldn’t bear to go home). Walking is like meditation for me. It goes me a chance to clear my head and sort things out. I might not be able to walk as much anymore but I am going to try and fit at least one 20 mins walk in a week.
I started out a few months ago wanting to exercise as a way of getting stronger, fitter and to lose weight. What I am now realising is that there are wider repercussions. The way that I am thinking is changing. I feel like I have a camera lens and the blurry picture is now becoming more focused. It’s as though all this time I had forgotten how to operate the lens. I knew that the lens was in my hands but, I was paralysed and unable to use it. At any moment I can make the decision to do a, b or c. If it makes me happy. It might not necessarily be comfortable but it might bring me unexpected joy.
Two blogs in a day. I’m on a bit of a roll. It’s nice being excited for myself. I find myself championing other people and really want to celebrate there success but being shy about my own and downplaying things. It’s nice feeling different as though something has shifted inside of me.
Tomorrow I’m going to start a food diary but, with photos. Everything I eat CLICK. I’ll hate it. It will probably stop me from eating but, I’m going to try hard not to censor myself. I’m hoping that seeing my daily food choices will help me to make better ones. I love eating cake. I’m not going to stop eating it but, I need to stop eating so much of it. Just because my cakes are gluten, egg and diary free doesn’t make them calorie free. With my PCOS eating that many carbs so often is not an option for me. Seeing it all will force me to deal with it. I’ll be post it online so I can’t hide at all.lol
Today I was on the treadmill for 50 minutes. My legs were cramping quite badly during Core at lunchtime so my I didn’t go all out. I need to drink more water, I think. Maybe I’ll grab some tonic water, too. My magnesium tablets usually help but, it seems that I might need to increase my dosage. I’m not sure.
- Time: 50 mins
- Rolling hills
- Highest incline 3%
- Speed 6.5
Core programme 20 mins
- Time 35mins
- Level 5/6
Core programme 20 mins
Core programme 20 mins
During the weekend I’ll weigh myself and take my measurements. I’ve lost weight before without actually knowing how much I lost. All I knew was that I lost 10″ from my chest and 8″ from my waist. Not even how many kilos or anything- that’s not going to happen again.
I hope that you all had a great workout today, too. XxXx
I joined the gym yesterday. Me! Again!
But, things are different this time. The gym is not going to be the only place that I exercise. This gym is not the circus that my last gym was. There doesn’t seem to be that intense competitive sexual environment that was there before. I mean people pay for what I had to listen to. Plus it’s larger and emptying even at the supposed peak times. I am a lot more confident than I was 3 years ago. Even though my induction is not until next week I went to an instructor and asked him to use the elliptical. Before, I would have tried and probably failed to work it out for myself.
I only did 35 minutes but, boy did I feel like a goddess at the end of it. I felt amazing. I had taken my towel and underwear to change into but I went straight home and had a shower there. I didn’t want to shower away my warm (and yes sweaty) feeling. Standing at the bus stop I said to myself ‘I love exercising!’ It’s was weird but it sounds like me. Why shouldn’t I love exercising? Why can’t I love exercising as well as making things, cooking and staring at sunsets. I’m going to make this part of my ID. I’m doing core exercises at lunch time for 20 mins. I am going to add 2-3 of blogilates videos in the morning. It’s going to be so cool. It is cool. I’m becoming the fit girl.
Why am I starting this blog? To hold myself accountable. When you’ve stayed hidden for as long as I have you learn to make all sort of excuses. You don’t hold your self to account and the people around don’t either because they are making the same excuses you are. I’ve let my goals slide for various reasons but, mostly because I’m scared.
However, recently I’ve started doing more exercise and seeking out beneficial foods, videos and activities. I’ve spent the last couple of months watching and read blogilates videos and posts. Yesterday, i kept thinking to myself Cassey works so hard to me. Yes, me specifically. She’s made all these free videos and does them in the craziest of places. The front of Buckingham Palace everyone! I mean I can’t even run in the park without feeling like people are judging me. She was on the floor doing all sorts of moves in the middle of one the busiest places in London. She’s inspired me to order some trainers. Yes, I’ve had the same trainers for about 12 years.
I am going to get myself to the gym. But, I am also not going to rely on the gym as my only method of getting fit. I am going to plug my MP3 in and not give a fuck about what anyone says or thinks. I am fitter the I think about I don’t try because I don’t want to be seen trying. I don’t want to be that fit girl because fit girls are cute. Fit girls get what they want. Fit girls are confident and tell you just where to get off. I’m a nice girl. The quiet girl who happens to dress quirkily but, doesn’t want you to notice her too much. Just notice the brilliant clothes that she is wearing, the off-the-wall accessories but not the body or person underneath. Once I had a professor who asked me why are you hiding? I was angered by this question because it hit the nail on the head.
Why am I hiding on this fat? Don’t I deserve the best?
Often when people lose weight they tend to say that they were disgusted by the fact that they let themselves get so large. I’ve already lost 4 dresses sizes but, I don’t feel disdain for my larger self. If anything I feel sad. I wasn’t always able to protect myself and being fat was one of the ways in which I felt and feel protected. When I am scared, sad, afraid or confused I eat. Now, I stop and think about what I am doing. I have not always had this awareness.
My goal is to increase the love that I have for myself. Being fit for me does not mean being skinny. It means being strong. Pain free. Flexible. Alive in one’s skin. Being the best that I can be. I like the fact that I can give myself this. So why the wait? Get to it, girl!
I’m going to try. I am going to fall down. I will dust myself off and start again. This will be my secret mission. I will smile and ignore the doubters. I am who I say I am. I have the tools to make myself into anything I want to be. I had forgotten this. I’m remembering.