I went back to the gym on Monday! Yay! I stepped on my old friend the treadmill and it felt good. OK, for the first 10 minutes it felt like there were fire ants crawling over my skin cos my psoriasis but after that I got into it. Over the last few weeks I thought that I was going to have to change the name of this blog to ‘Be The Psoriasis Girl’.lol. Jokes aside having the goal of getting healthier and losing weight has actually sustained me when I was curled up in pain. No binge eating or lying down feeling sorry for myself. I’ve changed my diet, upped my supplements and concentrated on getting better. Knowing that I had somewhere that I was accountable to meant to I had to get back on that treadmill. I mean I did try some ridiculous diversions on the way to the gym. I told myself that I was tired. That I was unwell. I thought about freezing my membership. I had to tell myself to cut the BS!
But, if anything is a motivator it’s fitting into a smaller size dress. I bought a Maison Martin Margiela for H&M dress a couple of weeks ago and I fit into a size 16! Which has never ever happened before in H&M. I’m quite top heavy so it was unexpected and it made me so happy. (I should add that it took me 30 mins work out how to wear this dress so that might have added to my happiness when I finally cracked it!) My BF and I are hoping to go to NY in May so I’m thinking of setting a size goal for then as I keep seeing dresses that I want but are not in my current size. Or will just be setting myself up for failure?
I am so glad to be back. When I stretched during Corework I was grateful that I could bend. When I finished running yesterday I was grateful that I afford to go to the gym. I’m going to hit it hard this month. I really can’t wait to see how my body changes.
Usually, I have to tell the voice in my voice to ‘F*** off!’ So, imagine my surprise when I was falling asleep on the train and the voice said ‘Right. To the gym!’. I thought ‘Ha?’ I was confused. Perplexed. When I say I was feeling asleep I mean properly drifting off with my head banging against the side of the train a few times. And I never sleep in moving vehicles. For two nights I had a total of 10 hours sleep. The first night I had to go back to work at 10.30pm to sort out some mess and the other night I spent the evening with an upset friend. Generally, on days like this I tend to over eat and not exercise. When I managed to walk into the gym last night and actually do Blogilates’ Shuffle-a-Truffle I was like WHAT THE HELL!! I never knew I had it in me. Running sideways on a treadmill is actually quite fun. I’m going to try running backwards. Maybe not anytime soon though.
This morning I reluctantly stepped on to the scale. All week I felt lighter but the last thing I wanted to step onto the scales and I find that I was on the same weight or heavier. With PCOS working out does not always translate to the numbers that you want. Plus, I feel so great I didn’t want to blow it. Like I had done in the past. I was happy to see that I’ve lost 2kg this week! Yay for me! It spurred me on to do Blogilates’ workout for the day and I realise I like jumping. As a child I was always made to stay in one place and not run around (plus I love reading) so I’m always self conscious when I’m jumping or moving quickly. But, I’ve found that I like jumping. I’m sure my neighbours don’t though. I won’t be stepping on the scales again for a month now. I don’t want to judge my performance by numbers alone. I hope that you have had an inspiring workout today.
Somehow, I had not realised that my body would be this sore. And that I would have to hit the gym and work hard whilst aching. During my workouts I am focused and I work through the pain- no more looking at the panels of other people’s machines when I’m almost dying. Ha! There’s one way of getting rid of comparison envy. Whatever discomfort I’m feeling during my exercises I can bear. But, I did not know that I would not give myself a rest and that the next day I would be back in the gym repeating the killer exercise from yesterday. At least I can walk. Last week after my session on the treadmill I couldn’t go down stairs for 5 days. At least my body is adapting. I managed to fit in two hours of exercise on Monday. I woke up early by accident and the first thing I thought was ‘I can exercise!’ Strange and slightly scary. I am almost waiting for this joy to fall away and for me to go back to my old self. Don’t get me wrong it’s not like every day is like this. Last week I spent most of my week feeling horrid and I cried myself to sleep last night. But, I kicked ass on that treadmill though.
Yesterday, during my Core exercises and hipwork I realised two things: Firstly, that everything that I have learned for the last few years has finally come together. For a long time I did not fully commit to changing myself. Now, it’s not easy but, it’s not the uphill struggle that it used to be. Yes, I have tried to talk myself out of going to the gym for the last two days. But, I went and worked HARD! To top that I worked out for two hours on Monday as I woke up early and did some yoga. The second thing that I realised is that I need to respect my injuries. My pigeon pose is quite deep on my left side but my right knee is injured. It used to frustrate me that I could not bend my knee as much or bend forward as far as I wanted. However, yesterday I thought to myself ‘This is how far you can go today. Respect your injury. Respect your knee.’
It’s coming together in a way that I never thought possible. My portions have decreased and I am not starving. Although my cashew nut addiction shows no sign of abating. Why can I not have an addiction to carrots instead?:) Aching limbs are now my badge of pride. I’ve even somehow managing to overcome my fear of people using me exercise. I’ve found a new room for my lunchtime practise. Sure, a high rise office block overlooks me and I am sorry if you saw my knickers today. But, a girl’s got to do what a girl’s got to do.
My body has finally shut down with the ‘flu. I was feeling a bit unwell a couple of weeks ago but, now my head is pounding and I ache. Every where. I took the day off from work yesterday but, I’m back in the office as I don’t ache as much. Yes, I am thinking about the money as I am a temp but, I’d like to think that I would not go to work if I was very sick.
My last amazing workout was on Monday where I did Blogilates’ Treadmill Shredmill workout. OMG!! I don’t think that I have ever worked this hard. My legs were shaking like a leaf after I stopped off the treadmill. I hadn’t even run at 6mph. Try it. If you dare. I discovered that the incline on the treadmill goes to 15%! I don’t ever want to know if it goes further than this. On Sunday I did the Blogilates upper body workout for Saturday 13th October. My upper back was still hurting yesterday. I held a plank and moved! for 10 minutes. I’m seriously happy. Adding to my happiness I started to run on the treadmill. I was quite scared to do this. I have no problem running on road but, there is something about running on a treadmill that frightened me. Then last Tuesday during my workout I thought ‘Go for it’. I started running and that was it. I tried the stairmaster as well that day. Oh Lord, who invented this monster? When I recover next week I’ll definitely be using it a little more.
I tried to watch Supreme 90 during the weekend but it won’t work on my dvd player. When I was purchasing it I thought that it would work on my mac. Alas, this is not the case. I don’t really feel like buying a region free dvd player just to play those dvds. I guess I could hack my mac? But, no. I had wanted to try Supreme 90 for the resistance training. Instead, for the next few months I’m going to stick to Blogilates workouts and pilates for resistance training and then I’ll hit the gym for cardio work. I’ll be going back to try some Taebo. I love Billy Blanks. I’ll still be doing core work at lunch time although finding a room to do it in is becoming a bit of a problem. I find that variety keeps me happy. Too much of one thing is boring. Like lying in bed wondering when I’ll get better so I can exercise.
Having said this lying in bed has given me the time to think about the impact of shame on my body. My eczema has flared up pretty badly covering about 50% or maybe a little more of my torso. It’s all over my arms too. Ordinarily, I would be ashamed of showing my arms in the gym. Instead on Monday I rubbed some moisturiser on and had a happy workout. Yes, a couple of women in the changing room might have thought I was strange for putting it on before I had a sweaty workout. Oh well. I didn’t want to run on a treadmill because I would feel ashamed if I fell off. The impact of shame is that I want to look like I’m not trying when it comes to my body. I have never minded if people know if I care about other areas of my life. I mean I slept on the floor of my library when I thought that I might fail a year during my degree. I didn’t want to be seen to be exercising because I was ashamed to be seen to be working out. In some ways I think that for men if you join a gym it’s part and parcel of looking good. But, for women I have found that it becomes competitive. It’s a generalisation, I know. But, have you noticed the different reactions that your male and female friends have to you wanting to get healthier and lose weight? This time it’s more of a secret for me. I’m a clandestine fit girl weeding out those habits and thoughts that I have had as a child. This has made me want to root out shame from my life. The shame that I recognise and the shadowy side of it that I don’t.
I’ve never really valued my body. I’ve spent a lifetime being ashamed of it. I’ve allowed other people to devalue it and pour their own obsessions over me. From the day when my parents at shouted me for showing ‘my fat body’ in public as I went naked in the kids paddling pool in reception class to the days when the stuffed my face with foods that I knew that I was allergic to. I realise that a lifetime of hatred does not disappear in a few weeks. I don’t know if it will ever away but, I am going to try so damn hard to think and breathe in a way that shows love and gratitude for the body that I have. With all its scars, injuries and imperfections. I am grateful for being able to feel the chill of the autumn air. For being able to watch watercolour sunsets. For being able to taste the deliciousness of homemade almond butter. All my flaws and experiences are for my benefit. I going to take all of my experiences and grow from them.