Somehow, I had not realised that my body would be this sore. And that I would have to hit the gym and work hard whilst aching. During my workouts I am focused and I work through the pain- no more looking at the panels of other people’s machines when I’m almost dying. Ha! There’s one way of getting rid of comparison envy. Whatever discomfort I’m feeling during my exercises I can bear. But, I did not know that I would not give myself a rest and that the next day I would be back in the gym repeating the killer exercise from yesterday. At least I can walk. Last week after my session on the treadmill I couldn’t go down stairs for 5 days. At least my body is adapting. I managed to fit in two hours of exercise on Monday. I woke up early by accident and the first thing I thought was ‘I can exercise!’ Strange and slightly scary. I am almost waiting for this joy to fall away and for me to go back to my old self. Don’t get me wrong it’s not like every day is like this. Last week I spent most of my week feeling horrid and I cried myself to sleep last night. But, I kicked ass on that treadmill though.
Yesterday, during my Core exercises and hipwork I realised two things: Firstly, that everything that I have learned for the last few years has finally come together. For a long time I did not fully commit to changing myself. Now, it’s not easy but, it’s not the uphill struggle that it used to be. Yes, I have tried to talk myself out of going to the gym for the last two days. But, I went and worked HARD! To top that I worked out for two hours on Monday as I woke up early and did some yoga. The second thing that I realised is that I need to respect my injuries. My pigeon pose is quite deep on my left side but my right knee is injured. It used to frustrate me that I could not bend my knee as much or bend forward as far as I wanted. However, yesterday I thought to myself ‘This is how far you can go today. Respect your injury. Respect your knee.’
It’s coming together in a way that I never thought possible. My portions have decreased and I am not starving. Although my cashew nut addiction shows no sign of abating. Why can I not have an addiction to carrots instead?:) Aching limbs are now my badge of pride. I’ve even somehow managing to overcome my fear of people using me exercise. I’ve found a new room for my lunchtime practise. Sure, a high rise office block overlooks me and I am sorry if you saw my knickers today. But, a girl’s got to do what a girl’s got to do.
I’ve had a bit of a blah day today. I woke up late. I forget my lunch which was already packed and ready to go in my fridge. I was dizzy up until lunchtime. Top it off I was sleepy. So sleepy that I could have gladly rested my head on my desk. Until 4.30pm struck and I thought ‘I’m going to the gym! Yes!’ At 4.55pm I went to put my jacket in my bag and I thought let me check my kit. From the moment I put on my gym bag this morning I thought ‘This feels a bit lighter than usual’. However, I was in such a hurry that I did not give much thought to it.
Guess what? I had forgotten my yoga pants. Great, right? Going to the gym in my t-shirt and trainers was not an option.lol So, on top of not being able to do any core work at lunch because the room was booked I also wouldn’t be working out in the evening. Well, at least I could take my new Hunter wellies straight home so I could try them on instead of leaving them at work I thought.
Got home and tried my wellies and thought I could do some blogilates videos! Here, I am. My abs are hurting and my shoulders and back. My inner thighs! I’ve even done this video. If you haven’t seen this video please go and check it out. You will fall over with laughter.
I promised myself that I would not chain my fitness to the gym. Workouts can be done anywhere. In your lounge, in your local park. I used to make myself go to the gym only at a certain time of day because I hated the atmosphere so much. If I missed that prescribed time slot I would not go and guess, what most of the time I didn’t go. Years ago I used to run in my park during the summer and do videos at home for the rest of the year. I had never stepped in a gym at that time and that’s when I lost 4 dress sizes. I’m remembering that workouts can be fun even if they burn. I’m learning that progress is what it’s about not perfection. Yes, I could not do all the reps this evening. My form might have been off sometimes. My stomach still cramps terribly after doing a tiny amount of core work. But, I’m going to keep pushing myself. I’m doing more than I’ve done in a long time and, yes, quite frankly I so need to high five myself right now. Hahahaha
Food for today – D- honestly for my eating today. It was a case of the serious snack attack in the morning because I was so dizzy.
- Breakfast- gluten free porridge with soya milk, cashew nuts and banana chips.
- A ridiculous amount of banana chips
- Salad with beans and a little rice and quarter honey and mustard chicken.
I will definitely do better tomorrow.
My workout was 35mins with a variety of blogilates videos. I wanted to do another video but, the last time I did one of her leg videos I couldn’t go down stairs for a week. I always find Pilates deceptive! Check her out if you haven’t seen her on youtube. She is my inspiration. I completely love her. During my workout yesterday around 22 mins my thighs were burning so much and I wanted to step off the elliptical and kept saying to myself “what would Cassey say?’
Who or what inspired you to workout? Do you have someone that you are totally crazy about?
I joined the gym yesterday. Me! Again!
But, things are different this time. The gym is not going to be the only place that I exercise. This gym is not the circus that my last gym was. There doesn’t seem to be that intense competitive sexual environment that was there before. I mean people pay for what I had to listen to. Plus it’s larger and emptying even at the supposed peak times. I am a lot more confident than I was 3 years ago. Even though my induction is not until next week I went to an instructor and asked him to use the elliptical. Before, I would have tried and probably failed to work it out for myself.
I only did 35 minutes but, boy did I feel like a goddess at the end of it. I felt amazing. I had taken my towel and underwear to change into but I went straight home and had a shower there. I didn’t want to shower away my warm (and yes sweaty) feeling. Standing at the bus stop I said to myself ‘I love exercising!’ It’s was weird but it sounds like me. Why shouldn’t I love exercising? Why can’t I love exercising as well as making things, cooking and staring at sunsets. I’m going to make this part of my ID. I’m doing core exercises at lunch time for 20 mins. I am going to add 2-3 of blogilates videos in the morning. It’s going to be so cool. It is cool. I’m becoming the fit girl.
Why am I starting this blog? To hold myself accountable. When you’ve stayed hidden for as long as I have you learn to make all sort of excuses. You don’t hold your self to account and the people around don’t either because they are making the same excuses you are. I’ve let my goals slide for various reasons but, mostly because I’m scared.
However, recently I’ve started doing more exercise and seeking out beneficial foods, videos and activities. I’ve spent the last couple of months watching and read blogilates videos and posts. Yesterday, i kept thinking to myself Cassey works so hard to me. Yes, me specifically. She’s made all these free videos and does them in the craziest of places. The front of Buckingham Palace everyone! I mean I can’t even run in the park without feeling like people are judging me. She was on the floor doing all sorts of moves in the middle of one the busiest places in London. She’s inspired me to order some trainers. Yes, I’ve had the same trainers for about 12 years.
I am going to get myself to the gym. But, I am also not going to rely on the gym as my only method of getting fit. I am going to plug my MP3 in and not give a fuck about what anyone says or thinks. I am fitter the I think about I don’t try because I don’t want to be seen trying. I don’t want to be that fit girl because fit girls are cute. Fit girls get what they want. Fit girls are confident and tell you just where to get off. I’m a nice girl. The quiet girl who happens to dress quirkily but, doesn’t want you to notice her too much. Just notice the brilliant clothes that she is wearing, the off-the-wall accessories but not the body or person underneath. Once I had a professor who asked me why are you hiding? I was angered by this question because it hit the nail on the head.
Why am I hiding on this fat? Don’t I deserve the best?
Often when people lose weight they tend to say that they were disgusted by the fact that they let themselves get so large. I’ve already lost 4 dresses sizes but, I don’t feel disdain for my larger self. If anything I feel sad. I wasn’t always able to protect myself and being fat was one of the ways in which I felt and feel protected. When I am scared, sad, afraid or confused I eat. Now, I stop and think about what I am doing. I have not always had this awareness.
My goal is to increase the love that I have for myself. Being fit for me does not mean being skinny. It means being strong. Pain free. Flexible. Alive in one’s skin. Being the best that I can be. I like the fact that I can give myself this. So why the wait? Get to it, girl!
I’m going to try. I am going to fall down. I will dust myself off and start again. This will be my secret mission. I will smile and ignore the doubters. I am who I say I am. I have the tools to make myself into anything I want to be. I had forgotten this. I’m remembering.