My first day back in the gym for 8 days now. I had a little bit of that back to school feeling when you’re slightly uncertain if all the kids will still like you. But then you spot your friend and everything is alright again. Well, my friend is the elliptical machine. Every time I see it I think ‘You’re going to give me a great workout. Yay!’ I’m trying to work through all the nerves I feel before I workout. It feels like every time I get into the changing room I have 5 minutes where I completely freak out and then I make myself walk out and after 2 mins I’m fine. Does anyone else feel like this? I am naming it Gymxiety. Gym+anxiety. I forgot my Gymanxiety and did 10 mins on the elliptical and 30 mins on the treadmill. As always interval training.
I took a 25mins walk yesterday and you know, I miss walking in the open air. I remember walking for hours in the rain and loving it but, hating the reason I was walking. (Because I couldn’t bear to go home). Walking is like meditation for me. It goes me a chance to clear my head and sort things out. I might not be able to walk as much anymore but I am going to try and fit at least one 20 mins walk in a week.
I started out a few months ago wanting to exercise as a way of getting stronger, fitter and to lose weight. What I am now realising is that there are wider repercussions. The way that I am thinking is changing. I feel like I have a camera lens and the blurry picture is now becoming more focused. It’s as though all this time I had forgotten how to operate the lens. I knew that the lens was in my hands but, I was paralysed and unable to use it. At any moment I can make the decision to do a, b or c. If it makes me happy. It might not necessarily be comfortable but it might bring me unexpected joy.
Why am I starting this blog? To hold myself accountable. When you’ve stayed hidden for as long as I have you learn to make all sort of excuses. You don’t hold your self to account and the people around don’t either because they are making the same excuses you are. I’ve let my goals slide for various reasons but, mostly because I’m scared.
However, recently I’ve started doing more exercise and seeking out beneficial foods, videos and activities. I’ve spent the last couple of months watching and read blogilates videos and posts. Yesterday, i kept thinking to myself Cassey works so hard to me. Yes, me specifically. She’s made all these free videos and does them in the craziest of places. The front of Buckingham Palace everyone! I mean I can’t even run in the park without feeling like people are judging me. She was on the floor doing all sorts of moves in the middle of one the busiest places in London. She’s inspired me to order some trainers. Yes, I’ve had the same trainers for about 12 years.
I am going to get myself to the gym. But, I am also not going to rely on the gym as my only method of getting fit. I am going to plug my MP3 in and not give a fuck about what anyone says or thinks. I am fitter the I think about I don’t try because I don’t want to be seen trying. I don’t want to be that fit girl because fit girls are cute. Fit girls get what they want. Fit girls are confident and tell you just where to get off. I’m a nice girl. The quiet girl who happens to dress quirkily but, doesn’t want you to notice her too much. Just notice the brilliant clothes that she is wearing, the off-the-wall accessories but not the body or person underneath. Once I had a professor who asked me why are you hiding? I was angered by this question because it hit the nail on the head.
Why am I hiding on this fat? Don’t I deserve the best?
Often when people lose weight they tend to say that they were disgusted by the fact that they let themselves get so large. I’ve already lost 4 dresses sizes but, I don’t feel disdain for my larger self. If anything I feel sad. I wasn’t always able to protect myself and being fat was one of the ways in which I felt and feel protected. When I am scared, sad, afraid or confused I eat. Now, I stop and think about what I am doing. I have not always had this awareness.
My goal is to increase the love that I have for myself. Being fit for me does not mean being skinny. It means being strong. Pain free. Flexible. Alive in one’s skin. Being the best that I can be. I like the fact that I can give myself this. So why the wait? Get to it, girl!
I’m going to try. I am going to fall down. I will dust myself off and start again. This will be my secret mission. I will smile and ignore the doubters. I am who I say I am. I have the tools to make myself into anything I want to be. I had forgotten this. I’m remembering.