Somehow, I had not realised that my body would be this sore. And that I would have to hit the gym and work hard whilst aching. During my workouts I am focused and I work through the pain- no more looking at the panels of other people’s machines when I’m almost dying. Ha! There’s one way of getting rid of comparison envy. Whatever discomfort I’m feeling during my exercises I can bear. But, I did not know that I would not give myself a rest and that the next day I would be back in the gym repeating the killer exercise from yesterday. At least I can walk. Last week after my session on the treadmill I couldn’t go down stairs for 5 days. At least my body is adapting. I managed to fit in two hours of exercise on Monday. I woke up early by accident and the first thing I thought was ‘I can exercise!’ Strange and slightly scary. I am almost waiting for this joy to fall away and for me to go back to my old self. Don’t get me wrong it’s not like every day is like this. Last week I spent most of my week feeling horrid and I cried myself to sleep last night. But, I kicked ass on that treadmill though.
Yesterday, during my Core exercises and hipwork I realised two things: Firstly, that everything that I have learned for the last few years has finally come together. For a long time I did not fully commit to changing myself. Now, it’s not easy but, it’s not the uphill struggle that it used to be. Yes, I have tried to talk myself out of going to the gym for the last two days. But, I went and worked HARD! To top that I worked out for two hours on Monday as I woke up early and did some yoga. The second thing that I realised is that I need to respect my injuries. My pigeon pose is quite deep on my left side but my right knee is injured. It used to frustrate me that I could not bend my knee as much or bend forward as far as I wanted. However, yesterday I thought to myself ‘This is how far you can go today. Respect your injury. Respect your knee.’
It’s coming together in a way that I never thought possible. My portions have decreased and I am not starving. Although my cashew nut addiction shows no sign of abating. Why can I not have an addiction to carrots instead?:) Aching limbs are now my badge of pride. I’ve even somehow managing to overcome my fear of people using me exercise. I’ve found a new room for my lunchtime practise. Sure, a high rise office block overlooks me and I am sorry if you saw my knickers today. But, a girl’s got to do what a girl’s got to do.
When you hijack yourself it’s really easy to allow other people to hijack you.
I’m an emotional eater so when things go bad or I get stressed and busy it’s hard for not reach for food as my tranquilizer. It’s not so much the eating but rather the preparation of food that calms me down. The longer the better. If you didn’t know me maybe you would think that I put on weight by dining at McDonald’s or KFC but no. It’s larger portions of well cooked full of love home cooked food. Good food makes me feel like everything is OK and that all that the rubbish that I am surrounded by can be drowned out for 20 minutes whilst I eat this beautiful meal. It’s like swallowing love. I tend not to stop at ‘satiated’. ‘Slightly full’ or even ‘uncomfortably full’ seems to be the mark. Especially at supper when I’m at home. I’m rarely over-full at work but in the evenings in the midst of hostility I over eat to compensate for the things that I’m missing.
On Wednesday I did 30 mins Core and hip work at lunchtime and 30 mins interval training on the elliptical on level 7. I should have been proud but instead I was miserable. Yes, I had a horrendous journey getting to the gym. The idea of going to a packed gym where other people could see makes me slightly frightened. Actually, frightens me a lot. The later I got there the more people would be there since it was peak time. By the time I had reached the front door I wanted to turn around and leave. Why bother trying to change this body, right? It’s already scarred and injured. Top it off it’s fat. I finally made it the changing room and my eczema started to itch. I started to scratch. I had to coax myself out of the toilet in the changing room like a little child. I tried to listen to some music as a way of keeping out of my head.
Whilst I was on the elliptical I kept looking around me- ‘What is she dong?’ I asked. ‘Her numbers are so much higher than mine’ I thought. ‘She’s going to fast. Why the hell am I so slow!’ I screamed. When I stepped off the elliptical I wanted to sit on the floor on cry. The best part of my session was stretching and realising that my joints and muscles were looser than last week. By the time I had made it back to the changing room and I realised that I forgot my protein shake. I thought ‘LOSER’. On my bus ride home I tried to pick apart my behaviour. Why did I feel so competitive? Why could I be pleased that I had met my targets for the day? Why did feel the need to do an hour in the gym? Whilst trying to be kind to myself by soothing my doubts there was one part of me that was raging like a spoilt child shouting ‘You want to lose weight? Here we go again. Why bother to set yourself up for failure?’ I went to bed with this shadow and woke up with a sore throat, a headache and the beginnings of a cold.
Yesterday, I did no Core work as I felt like death at lunch but later on in the late afternoon I thought that I might do one of yogayak’s video when I got home. I was sure that there was one for colds or I another one I could do. I felt a little more optimistic and less like a failure for not being able to go to the gym. The minute that I stepped in my front door I had my sister screaming at me about my mum’s medicine not arriving. Needless to say I was already tired but I turned on my heels to buy a phone card and when I called my mum she had already picked up her medicine. Had I sent it to the incorrect address like I had done last time? Without going into the details of my family I couldn’t believe how angry I was. And by the time my mother had made the second phone call to complain about there not being enough medicine I was livid. My blood pressure was through the roof and yoga had flown out of my mind. Looking back today I definitely not the victim- I was playing to other people’s expectations of what I should do and be like.
How does this tie in with me wanting to take better care of myself? Well, I’ve always been the big girl and when I’ve lost weight people have said ‘Oh no! Don’t do that. You don’t need to be like those thin girls. You’re not a teenager’. When my mum is in the country and I’m doing an exercise video in the morning she would come down and say ‘Oh, you’re doing one of your stupid videos’. This would prevent me from exercising in front of her and since she is a early riser and first in the lounge my morning exercising sessions flew out of the window. I trying to slowly move to a place where I don’t care what people think when they see me sweating and out of breath. I’d rather be uncomfortable now rather than dealing with diabetes and high blood pressure in 20 years time. Hopefully, after a few months of being at the gym I’ll be able to walk into a packed packed not give a hoot if someone looks at me and what they think.
I have a question for you: should I sit with my uncomfortable feelings and pick them apart to gain greater understanding at the risk of not exercising? Or should I override them and in the moment exercise despite my misgivings?
- Gluten free porridge with soya milk and almonds
- Poussin and salad x2
- Gluten free diary free egg free blueberry pudding cake with yogurt
- Gluten free porridge with soya milk, cashew nuts and almonds
- Salad with turkey and tofu.
- 2 large Sardines with rice and carrot rice.
- 9 Bar x2
- Blueberries adn the rest of my pudding cake with yogurt
- Gluten free cornflakes with soya milk
- Eat Natural Cereal bar
- Strawberries with soya yogurt
I’ve had a bit of a blah day today. I woke up late. I forget my lunch which was already packed and ready to go in my fridge. I was dizzy up until lunchtime. Top it off I was sleepy. So sleepy that I could have gladly rested my head on my desk. Until 4.30pm struck and I thought ‘I’m going to the gym! Yes!’ At 4.55pm I went to put my jacket in my bag and I thought let me check my kit. From the moment I put on my gym bag this morning I thought ‘This feels a bit lighter than usual’. However, I was in such a hurry that I did not give much thought to it.
Guess what? I had forgotten my yoga pants. Great, right? Going to the gym in my t-shirt and trainers was not an option.lol So, on top of not being able to do any core work at lunch because the room was booked I also wouldn’t be working out in the evening. Well, at least I could take my new Hunter wellies straight home so I could try them on instead of leaving them at work I thought.
Got home and tried my wellies and thought I could do some blogilates videos! Here, I am. My abs are hurting and my shoulders and back. My inner thighs! I’ve even done this video. If you haven’t seen this video please go and check it out. You will fall over with laughter.
I promised myself that I would not chain my fitness to the gym. Workouts can be done anywhere. In your lounge, in your local park. I used to make myself go to the gym only at a certain time of day because I hated the atmosphere so much. If I missed that prescribed time slot I would not go and guess, what most of the time I didn’t go. Years ago I used to run in my park during the summer and do videos at home for the rest of the year. I had never stepped in a gym at that time and that’s when I lost 4 dress sizes. I’m remembering that workouts can be fun even if they burn. I’m learning that progress is what it’s about not perfection. Yes, I could not do all the reps this evening. My form might have been off sometimes. My stomach still cramps terribly after doing a tiny amount of core work. But, I’m going to keep pushing myself. I’m doing more than I’ve done in a long time and, yes, quite frankly I so need to high five myself right now. Hahahaha
Food for today – D- honestly for my eating today. It was a case of the serious snack attack in the morning because I was so dizzy.
- Breakfast- gluten free porridge with soya milk, cashew nuts and banana chips.
- A ridiculous amount of banana chips
- Salad with beans and a little rice and quarter honey and mustard chicken.
I will definitely do better tomorrow.
My workout was 35mins with a variety of blogilates videos. I wanted to do another video but, the last time I did one of her leg videos I couldn’t go down stairs for a week. I always find Pilates deceptive! Check her out if you haven’t seen her on youtube. She is my inspiration. I completely love her. During my workout yesterday around 22 mins my thighs were burning so much and I wanted to step off the elliptical and kept saying to myself “what would Cassey say?’
Who or what inspired you to workout? Do you have someone that you are totally crazy about?
It was my third day at the gym today. I was surprised at how much sweat just kept pouring down my face and into my eyes and down my cheeks. I felt really proud. Sounds a bit disgusting doesn’t it? Sorry.
I’m still doing short workouts because I want to go to the gym everyday. I feel as though working out helps me with other things in my life. Like my concentration at work. With eating almost-healthy. With being hopeful about my life.
- 30 mins core work
- 30 mins elliptical on level 6- my thighs were on fire! Interval training.
For supper I had poussin and a salad today.
Before the gym I had a Nakd cocoa bar and banana. After the gym I had a protein shake.
Here is my food diary from yesterday:
Breakfast flaxseed meal porridge with apple
Supper- homemade gluten free pizza with turkey, kale, tomatoes, carrots and buffalo mozzarella cheese
I hope that you enjoyed your workout as much as I did today.
Love and hugs,