I went back to the gym on Monday! Yay! I stepped on my old friend the treadmill and it felt good. OK, for the first 10 minutes it felt like there were fire ants crawling over my skin cos my psoriasis but after that I got into it. Over the last few weeks I thought that I was going to have to change the name of this blog to ‘Be The Psoriasis Girl’.lol. Jokes aside having the goal of getting healthier and losing weight has actually sustained me when I was curled up in pain. No binge eating or lying down feeling sorry for myself. I’ve changed my diet, upped my supplements and concentrated on getting better. Knowing that I had somewhere that I was accountable to meant to I had to get back on that treadmill. I mean I did try some ridiculous diversions on the way to the gym. I told myself that I was tired. That I was unwell. I thought about freezing my membership. I had to tell myself to cut the BS!
But, if anything is a motivator it’s fitting into a smaller size dress. I bought a Maison Martin Margiela for H&M dress a couple of weeks ago and I fit into a size 16! Which has never ever happened before in H&M. I’m quite top heavy so it was unexpected and it made me so happy. (I should add that it took me 30 mins work out how to wear this dress so that might have added to my happiness when I finally cracked it!) My BF and I are hoping to go to NY in May so I’m thinking of setting a size goal for then as I keep seeing dresses that I want but are not in my current size. Or will just be setting myself up for failure?
I am so glad to be back. When I stretched during Corework I was grateful that I could bend. When I finished running yesterday I was grateful that I afford to go to the gym. I’m going to hit it hard this month. I really can’t wait to see how my body changes.
Usually, I have to tell the voice in my voice to ‘F*** off!’ So, imagine my surprise when I was falling asleep on the train and the voice said ‘Right. To the gym!’. I thought ‘Ha?’ I was confused. Perplexed. When I say I was feeling asleep I mean properly drifting off with my head banging against the side of the train a few times. And I never sleep in moving vehicles. For two nights I had a total of 10 hours sleep. The first night I had to go back to work at 10.30pm to sort out some mess and the other night I spent the evening with an upset friend. Generally, on days like this I tend to over eat and not exercise. When I managed to walk into the gym last night and actually do Blogilates’ Shuffle-a-Truffle I was like WHAT THE HELL!! I never knew I had it in me. Running sideways on a treadmill is actually quite fun. I’m going to try running backwards. Maybe not anytime soon though.
This morning I reluctantly stepped on to the scale. All week I felt lighter but the last thing I wanted to step onto the scales and I find that I was on the same weight or heavier. With PCOS working out does not always translate to the numbers that you want. Plus, I feel so great I didn’t want to blow it. Like I had done in the past. I was happy to see that I’ve lost 2kg this week! Yay for me! It spurred me on to do Blogilates’ workout for the day and I realise I like jumping. As a child I was always made to stay in one place and not run around (plus I love reading) so I’m always self conscious when I’m jumping or moving quickly. But, I’ve found that I like jumping. I’m sure my neighbours don’t though. I won’t be stepping on the scales again for a month now. I don’t want to judge my performance by numbers alone. I hope that you have had an inspiring workout today.
My body has finally shut down with the ‘flu. I was feeling a bit unwell a couple of weeks ago but, now my head is pounding and I ache. Every where. I took the day off from work yesterday but, I’m back in the office as I don’t ache as much. Yes, I am thinking about the money as I am a temp but, I’d like to think that I would not go to work if I was very sick.
My last amazing workout was on Monday where I did Blogilates’ Treadmill Shredmill workout. OMG!! I don’t think that I have ever worked this hard. My legs were shaking like a leaf after I stopped off the treadmill. I hadn’t even run at 6mph. Try it. If you dare. I discovered that the incline on the treadmill goes to 15%! I don’t ever want to know if it goes further than this. On Sunday I did the Blogilates upper body workout for Saturday 13th October. My upper back was still hurting yesterday. I held a plank and moved! for 10 minutes. I’m seriously happy. Adding to my happiness I started to run on the treadmill. I was quite scared to do this. I have no problem running on road but, there is something about running on a treadmill that frightened me. Then last Tuesday during my workout I thought ‘Go for it’. I started running and that was it. I tried the stairmaster as well that day. Oh Lord, who invented this monster? When I recover next week I’ll definitely be using it a little more.
I tried to watch Supreme 90 during the weekend but it won’t work on my dvd player. When I was purchasing it I thought that it would work on my mac. Alas, this is not the case. I don’t really feel like buying a region free dvd player just to play those dvds. I guess I could hack my mac? But, no. I had wanted to try Supreme 90 for the resistance training. Instead, for the next few months I’m going to stick to Blogilates workouts and pilates for resistance training and then I’ll hit the gym for cardio work. I’ll be going back to try some Taebo. I love Billy Blanks. I’ll still be doing core work at lunch time although finding a room to do it in is becoming a bit of a problem. I find that variety keeps me happy. Too much of one thing is boring. Like lying in bed wondering when I’ll get better so I can exercise.
Having said this lying in bed has given me the time to think about the impact of shame on my body. My eczema has flared up pretty badly covering about 50% or maybe a little more of my torso. It’s all over my arms too. Ordinarily, I would be ashamed of showing my arms in the gym. Instead on Monday I rubbed some moisturiser on and had a happy workout. Yes, a couple of women in the changing room might have thought I was strange for putting it on before I had a sweaty workout. Oh well. I didn’t want to run on a treadmill because I would feel ashamed if I fell off. The impact of shame is that I want to look like I’m not trying when it comes to my body. I have never minded if people know if I care about other areas of my life. I mean I slept on the floor of my library when I thought that I might fail a year during my degree. I didn’t want to be seen to be exercising because I was ashamed to be seen to be working out. In some ways I think that for men if you join a gym it’s part and parcel of looking good. But, for women I have found that it becomes competitive. It’s a generalisation, I know. But, have you noticed the different reactions that your male and female friends have to you wanting to get healthier and lose weight? This time it’s more of a secret for me. I’m a clandestine fit girl weeding out those habits and thoughts that I have had as a child. This has made me want to root out shame from my life. The shame that I recognise and the shadowy side of it that I don’t.
I’ve never really valued my body. I’ve spent a lifetime being ashamed of it. I’ve allowed other people to devalue it and pour their own obsessions over me. From the day when my parents at shouted me for showing ‘my fat body’ in public as I went naked in the kids paddling pool in reception class to the days when the stuffed my face with foods that I knew that I was allergic to. I realise that a lifetime of hatred does not disappear in a few weeks. I don’t know if it will ever away but, I am going to try so damn hard to think and breathe in a way that shows love and gratitude for the body that I have. With all its scars, injuries and imperfections. I am grateful for being able to feel the chill of the autumn air. For being able to watch watercolour sunsets. For being able to taste the deliciousness of homemade almond butter. All my flaws and experiences are for my benefit. I going to take all of my experiences and grow from them.
I felt like I was going to die in the gym today. I had done my Core and hip exercises at lunchtime. Happily, I realised that I was stronger and that I needed to move to the next level. After a couple of months of following the programme it was long overdue. This lead to me upping my level to 8 on the elliptical because I didn’t want to get to the point where I am comfortable. 30mins later I understood why people wear sweat bands. Today, people, I tasted my sweat. Vile, yes. I was horrified but I had that secretly pleased feeling when you know that you are working hard. Those intervals killed my thighs and arms.
However, my elated feeling didn’t last for very long as I took the convoluted route home as I had to go to several stores. I am never doing this again after the gym because I’m still waiting to eat supper. It’s going to be a delicious dish with rice, turkey and cabbage so it’s worth the wait. I was crabby and I couldn’t make up my mind about where to go. My lack of preparation saw me without a sports bra and my protein shake today hence me being annoyed. I finally decided to have an apple and cashew nuts. All of the mental whirl kind of came to a standstill and I kept thinking about what getting healthier really means to me. I’ve lost both my grandparents to cardiovascular/diabetes related illnesses. My mum is going blind from her diabetes. My dad is dying from a heart/kidney disease. Whilst sometimes this is a lot to deal with I don’t want to go down the route that my family have taken. My family may not have been able to prevent their illnesses but maybe a healthier diet and exercise may have helped. I don’t know. I am trying hard not to judge as everyone is on a difficult journey. However, I’d like to think that even if I have an illness that I cannot cure, the least that I can do is ensure that I am as well as possible. It’s not how long you live but how well, no? I think that the mistake that I made before was allowing fear to drive me to exercise. This time I making sure that it’s love that guides me to look after my body.
I’m drawing my own map to my destination. That destination is me. As my father’s inevitable death draws closer that map might involve a lot of crying but I’ll finally be speaking my truth. The lines and colours will all be mine. This is love.
My first day back in the gym for 8 days now. I had a little bit of that back to school feeling when you’re slightly uncertain if all the kids will still like you. But then you spot your friend and everything is alright again. Well, my friend is the elliptical machine. Every time I see it I think ‘You’re going to give me a great workout. Yay!’ I’m trying to work through all the nerves I feel before I workout. It feels like every time I get into the changing room I have 5 minutes where I completely freak out and then I make myself walk out and after 2 mins I’m fine. Does anyone else feel like this? I am naming it Gymxiety. Gym+anxiety. I forgot my Gymanxiety and did 10 mins on the elliptical and 30 mins on the treadmill. As always interval training.
I took a 25mins walk yesterday and you know, I miss walking in the open air. I remember walking for hours in the rain and loving it but, hating the reason I was walking. (Because I couldn’t bear to go home). Walking is like meditation for me. It goes me a chance to clear my head and sort things out. I might not be able to walk as much anymore but I am going to try and fit at least one 20 mins walk in a week.
I started out a few months ago wanting to exercise as a way of getting stronger, fitter and to lose weight. What I am now realising is that there are wider repercussions. The way that I am thinking is changing. I feel like I have a camera lens and the blurry picture is now becoming more focused. It’s as though all this time I had forgotten how to operate the lens. I knew that the lens was in my hands but, I was paralysed and unable to use it. At any moment I can make the decision to do a, b or c. If it makes me happy. It might not necessarily be comfortable but it might bring me unexpected joy.
When you hijack yourself it’s really easy to allow other people to hijack you.
I’m an emotional eater so when things go bad or I get stressed and busy it’s hard for not reach for food as my tranquilizer. It’s not so much the eating but rather the preparation of food that calms me down. The longer the better. If you didn’t know me maybe you would think that I put on weight by dining at McDonald’s or KFC but no. It’s larger portions of well cooked full of love home cooked food. Good food makes me feel like everything is OK and that all that the rubbish that I am surrounded by can be drowned out for 20 minutes whilst I eat this beautiful meal. It’s like swallowing love. I tend not to stop at ‘satiated’. ‘Slightly full’ or even ‘uncomfortably full’ seems to be the mark. Especially at supper when I’m at home. I’m rarely over-full at work but in the evenings in the midst of hostility I over eat to compensate for the things that I’m missing.
On Wednesday I did 30 mins Core and hip work at lunchtime and 30 mins interval training on the elliptical on level 7. I should have been proud but instead I was miserable. Yes, I had a horrendous journey getting to the gym. The idea of going to a packed gym where other people could see makes me slightly frightened. Actually, frightens me a lot. The later I got there the more people would be there since it was peak time. By the time I had reached the front door I wanted to turn around and leave. Why bother trying to change this body, right? It’s already scarred and injured. Top it off it’s fat. I finally made it the changing room and my eczema started to itch. I started to scratch. I had to coax myself out of the toilet in the changing room like a little child. I tried to listen to some music as a way of keeping out of my head.
Whilst I was on the elliptical I kept looking around me- ‘What is she dong?’ I asked. ‘Her numbers are so much higher than mine’ I thought. ‘She’s going to fast. Why the hell am I so slow!’ I screamed. When I stepped off the elliptical I wanted to sit on the floor on cry. The best part of my session was stretching and realising that my joints and muscles were looser than last week. By the time I had made it back to the changing room and I realised that I forgot my protein shake. I thought ‘LOSER’. On my bus ride home I tried to pick apart my behaviour. Why did I feel so competitive? Why could I be pleased that I had met my targets for the day? Why did feel the need to do an hour in the gym? Whilst trying to be kind to myself by soothing my doubts there was one part of me that was raging like a spoilt child shouting ‘You want to lose weight? Here we go again. Why bother to set yourself up for failure?’ I went to bed with this shadow and woke up with a sore throat, a headache and the beginnings of a cold.
Yesterday, I did no Core work as I felt like death at lunch but later on in the late afternoon I thought that I might do one of yogayak’s video when I got home. I was sure that there was one for colds or I another one I could do. I felt a little more optimistic and less like a failure for not being able to go to the gym. The minute that I stepped in my front door I had my sister screaming at me about my mum’s medicine not arriving. Needless to say I was already tired but I turned on my heels to buy a phone card and when I called my mum she had already picked up her medicine. Had I sent it to the incorrect address like I had done last time? Without going into the details of my family I couldn’t believe how angry I was. And by the time my mother had made the second phone call to complain about there not being enough medicine I was livid. My blood pressure was through the roof and yoga had flown out of my mind. Looking back today I definitely not the victim- I was playing to other people’s expectations of what I should do and be like.
How does this tie in with me wanting to take better care of myself? Well, I’ve always been the big girl and when I’ve lost weight people have said ‘Oh no! Don’t do that. You don’t need to be like those thin girls. You’re not a teenager’. When my mum is in the country and I’m doing an exercise video in the morning she would come down and say ‘Oh, you’re doing one of your stupid videos’. This would prevent me from exercising in front of her and since she is a early riser and first in the lounge my morning exercising sessions flew out of the window. I trying to slowly move to a place where I don’t care what people think when they see me sweating and out of breath. I’d rather be uncomfortable now rather than dealing with diabetes and high blood pressure in 20 years time. Hopefully, after a few months of being at the gym I’ll be able to walk into a packed packed not give a hoot if someone looks at me and what they think.
I have a question for you: should I sit with my uncomfortable feelings and pick them apart to gain greater understanding at the risk of not exercising? Or should I override them and in the moment exercise despite my misgivings?
- Gluten free porridge with soya milk and almonds
- Poussin and salad x2
- Gluten free diary free egg free blueberry pudding cake with yogurt
- Gluten free porridge with soya milk, cashew nuts and almonds
- Salad with turkey and tofu.
- 2 large Sardines with rice and carrot rice.
- 9 Bar x2
- Blueberries adn the rest of my pudding cake with yogurt
- Gluten free cornflakes with soya milk
- Eat Natural Cereal bar
- Strawberries with soya yogurt
It was my third day at the gym today. I was surprised at how much sweat just kept pouring down my face and into my eyes and down my cheeks. I felt really proud. Sounds a bit disgusting doesn’t it? Sorry.
I’m still doing short workouts because I want to go to the gym everyday. I feel as though working out helps me with other things in my life. Like my concentration at work. With eating almost-healthy. With being hopeful about my life.
- 30 mins core work
- 30 mins elliptical on level 6- my thighs were on fire! Interval training.
For supper I had poussin and a salad today.
Before the gym I had a Nakd cocoa bar and banana. After the gym I had a protein shake.
Here is my food diary from yesterday:
Breakfast flaxseed meal porridge with apple
Supper- homemade gluten free pizza with turkey, kale, tomatoes, carrots and buffalo mozzarella cheese
I hope that you enjoyed your workout as much as I did today.
Love and hugs,