Scars, injuries, imperfections and patience

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My body has finally shut down with the ‘flu. I was feeling a bit unwell a couple of weeks ago but, now my head is pounding and I ache. Every where. I took the day off from work yesterday but, I’m back in the office as I don’t ache as much. Yes, I am thinking about the money as I am a temp but, I’d like to think that I would not go to work if I was very sick.

My last amazing workout was on Monday where I did Blogilates’ Treadmill Shredmill workout. OMG!! I don’t think that I have ever worked this hard. My legs were shaking like a leaf after I stopped off the treadmill. I hadn’t even run at 6mph. Try it. If you dare. I discovered that the incline on the treadmill goes to 15%! I don’t ever want to know if it goes further than this.  On Sunday I did the Blogilates upper body workout for Saturday 13th October. My upper back was still hurting yesterday. I held a plank and moved! for 10 minutes. I’m seriously happy. Adding to my happiness I started to run on the treadmill. I was quite scared to do this. I have no problem running on road but, there is something about running on a treadmill that frightened me. Then last Tuesday during my workout I thought ‘Go for it’. I started running and that was it. I tried the stairmaster as well that day. Oh Lord, who invented this monster? When I recover next week I’ll definitely be using it a little more.

I tried to watch Supreme 90 during the weekend but it won’t work on my dvd player. When I was purchasing it I thought that it would work on my mac. Alas, this is not the case. I don’t really feel like buying a region free dvd player just to play those dvds. I guess I could hack my mac? But, no. I had wanted to try Supreme 90 for the resistance training. Instead, for the next few months I’m going to stick to Blogilates workouts and pilates for resistance training and then I’ll hit the gym for cardio work. I’ll be going back to try some Taebo. I love Billy Blanks. I’ll still be doing core work at lunch time although finding a room to do it in is becoming a bit of a problem. I find that variety keeps me happy. Too much of one thing is boring. Like lying in bed wondering when I’ll get better so I can exercise.

Having said this lying in bed has given me the time to think about the impact of shame on my body.  My eczema has flared up pretty badly covering about 50% or maybe a little more of my torso. It’s all over my arms too. Ordinarily, I would be ashamed of showing my arms in the gym. Instead on Monday I rubbed some moisturiser on and had a happy workout. Yes, a couple of women in the changing room might have thought I was strange for putting it on before I had a sweaty workout. Oh well. I didn’t want to run on a treadmill because I would feel ashamed if I fell off. The impact of shame is that I want to look like I’m not trying when it comes to my body. I have never minded if people know if I care about other areas of my life. I mean I slept on the floor of my library when I thought that I might fail a year during my degree. I didn’t want to be seen to be exercising because I was ashamed to be seen to be working out. In some ways I think that for men if you join a gym it’s part and parcel of looking good. But, for women I have found that it becomes competitive. It’s a generalisation, I know. But, have you noticed the different reactions that your male and female friends have to you wanting to get healthier and lose weight? This time it’s more of a secret for me. I’m a clandestine fit girl weeding out those habits and thoughts that I have had as a child. This has made me want to root out shame from my life. The shame that I recognise and the shadowy side of it that I don’t.

I’ve never really valued my body. I’ve spent a lifetime being ashamed of it. I’ve allowed other people to devalue it and pour their own obsessions over me. From the day when my parents at shouted me for showing ‘my fat body’ in public as I went naked in the kids paddling pool in reception class to the days when the stuffed my face with foods that I knew that I was allergic to. I realise that a lifetime of hatred does not disappear in a few weeks. I don’t know if it will ever away but, I am going to try so damn hard to think and breathe in a way that shows love and gratitude for the body that I have. With all its scars, injuries and imperfections. I am grateful for being able to feel the chill of the autumn air. For being able to watch watercolour sunsets. For being able to taste the deliciousness of homemade almond butter. All my flaws and experiences are for my benefit. I going to take all of my experiences and grow from them.

Love,

BTFG

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2 responses »

  1. Love the Stairmaster! I remember the first time I tried it killed me, but it felt great. I totally understand about keeping your weight loss a secret. That’s pretty much what I did, too. The concept of making an announcement to people just seemed really weird to me, and other than the visible results, I would have been perfectly happen if no one had ever found out. I think you’re inspiring–keep it up!

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