Well, here’s one way to get over my anxiety of being looked at whilst I workout..
I had 2 hours to kill between finishing work and meeting my friends for a concert. Somehow in the midst of working I forgot that I had booked a room for lunchtime. Then I though I could grab that conference room after work and do some Core and hip work then. When I walked into the said room some PhD student had set up camp. The only other room available was the meeting room in my huge plan office with over 40 people in it. I thought ‘I’ll take it!’ A few people had gone home as it’s Friday night. Here I am after 45 mins and I haven’t died of embarrassment. I feel great. I’m sure that some of my colleagues think that I am weird. That’s OK- I am;)
Just Commit: On The Train, On Your Mat, In Your Life.
I love this post.
My brain is literally whirring with all the things that I’ve put off for various reasons.
How amazing would I feel if I fully committed to the things that I want to do and the person that I want to be?
When you hijack yourself it’s really easy to allow other people to hijack you.
I’m an emotional eater so when things go bad or I get stressed and busy it’s hard for not reach for food as my tranquilizer. It’s not so much the eating but rather the preparation of food that calms me down. The longer the better. If you didn’t know me maybe you would think that I put on weight by dining at McDonald’s or KFC but no. It’s larger portions of well cooked full of love home cooked food. Good food makes me feel like everything is OK and that all that the rubbish that I am surrounded by can be drowned out for 20 minutes whilst I eat this beautiful meal. It’s like swallowing love. I tend not to stop at ‘satiated’. ‘Slightly full’ or even ‘uncomfortably full’ seems to be the mark. Especially at supper when I’m at home. I’m rarely over-full at work but in the evenings in the midst of hostility I over eat to compensate for the things that I’m missing.
On Wednesday I did 30 mins Core and hip work at lunchtime and 30 mins interval training on the elliptical on level 7. I should have been proud but instead I was miserable. Yes, I had a horrendous journey getting to the gym. The idea of going to a packed gym where other people could see makes me slightly frightened. Actually, frightens me a lot. The later I got there the more people would be there since it was peak time. By the time I had reached the front door I wanted to turn around and leave. Why bother trying to change this body, right? It’s already scarred and injured. Top it off it’s fat. I finally made it the changing room and my eczema started to itch. I started to scratch. I had to coax myself out of the toilet in the changing room like a little child. I tried to listen to some music as a way of keeping out of my head.
Whilst I was on the elliptical I kept looking around me- ‘What is she dong?’ I asked. ‘Her numbers are so much higher than mine’ I thought. ‘She’s going to fast. Why the hell am I so slow!’ I screamed. When I stepped off the elliptical I wanted to sit on the floor on cry. The best part of my session was stretching and realising that my joints and muscles were looser than last week. By the time I had made it back to the changing room and I realised that I forgot my protein shake. I thought ‘LOSER’. On my bus ride home I tried to pick apart my behaviour. Why did I feel so competitive? Why could I be pleased that I had met my targets for the day? Why did feel the need to do an hour in the gym? Whilst trying to be kind to myself by soothing my doubts there was one part of me that was raging like a spoilt child shouting ‘You want to lose weight? Here we go again. Why bother to set yourself up for failure?’ I went to bed with this shadow and woke up with a sore throat, a headache and the beginnings of a cold.
Yesterday, I did no Core work as I felt like death at lunch but later on in the late afternoon I thought that I might do one of yogayak’s video when I got home. I was sure that there was one for colds or I another one I could do. I felt a little more optimistic and less like a failure for not being able to go to the gym. The minute that I stepped in my front door I had my sister screaming at me about my mum’s medicine not arriving. Needless to say I was already tired but I turned on my heels to buy a phone card and when I called my mum she had already picked up her medicine. Had I sent it to the incorrect address like I had done last time? Without going into the details of my family I couldn’t believe how angry I was. And by the time my mother had made the second phone call to complain about there not being enough medicine I was livid. My blood pressure was through the roof and yoga had flown out of my mind. Looking back today I definitely not the victim- I was playing to other people’s expectations of what I should do and be like.
How does this tie in with me wanting to take better care of myself? Well, I’ve always been the big girl and when I’ve lost weight people have said ‘Oh no! Don’t do that. You don’t need to be like those thin girls. You’re not a teenager’. When my mum is in the country and I’m doing an exercise video in the morning she would come down and say ‘Oh, you’re doing one of your stupid videos’. This would prevent me from exercising in front of her and since she is a early riser and first in the lounge my morning exercising sessions flew out of the window. I trying to slowly move to a place where I don’t care what people think when they see me sweating and out of breath. I’d rather be uncomfortable now rather than dealing with diabetes and high blood pressure in 20 years time. Hopefully, after a few months of being at the gym I’ll be able to walk into a packed packed not give a hoot if someone looks at me and what they think.
I have a question for you: should I sit with my uncomfortable feelings and pick them apart to gain greater understanding at the risk of not exercising? Or should I override them and in the moment exercise despite my misgivings?
- Gluten free porridge with soya milk and almonds
- Poussin and salad x2
- Gluten free diary free egg free blueberry pudding cake with yogurt
- Gluten free porridge with soya milk, cashew nuts and almonds
- Salad with turkey and tofu.
- 2 large Sardines with rice and carrot rice.
- 9 Bar x2
- Blueberries adn the rest of my pudding cake with yogurt
- Gluten free cornflakes with soya milk
- Eat Natural Cereal bar
- Strawberries with soya yogurt
I’ve had a bit of a blah day today. I woke up late. I forget my lunch which was already packed and ready to go in my fridge. I was dizzy up until lunchtime. Top it off I was sleepy. So sleepy that I could have gladly rested my head on my desk. Until 4.30pm struck and I thought ‘I’m going to the gym! Yes!’ At 4.55pm I went to put my jacket in my bag and I thought let me check my kit. From the moment I put on my gym bag this morning I thought ‘This feels a bit lighter than usual’. However, I was in such a hurry that I did not give much thought to it.
Guess what? I had forgotten my yoga pants. Great, right? Going to the gym in my t-shirt and trainers was not an option.lol So, on top of not being able to do any core work at lunch because the room was booked I also wouldn’t be working out in the evening. Well, at least I could take my new Hunter wellies straight home so I could try them on instead of leaving them at work I thought.
Got home and tried my wellies and thought I could do some blogilates videos! Here, I am. My abs are hurting and my shoulders and back. My inner thighs! I’ve even done this video. If you haven’t seen this video please go and check it out. You will fall over with laughter.
I promised myself that I would not chain my fitness to the gym. Workouts can be done anywhere. In your lounge, in your local park. I used to make myself go to the gym only at a certain time of day because I hated the atmosphere so much. If I missed that prescribed time slot I would not go and guess, what most of the time I didn’t go. Years ago I used to run in my park during the summer and do videos at home for the rest of the year. I had never stepped in a gym at that time and that’s when I lost 4 dress sizes. I’m remembering that workouts can be fun even if they burn. I’m learning that progress is what it’s about not perfection. Yes, I could not do all the reps this evening. My form might have been off sometimes. My stomach still cramps terribly after doing a tiny amount of core work. But, I’m going to keep pushing myself. I’m doing more than I’ve done in a long time and, yes, quite frankly I so need to high five myself right now. Hahahaha
Food for today – D- honestly for my eating today. It was a case of the serious snack attack in the morning because I was so dizzy.
- Breakfast- gluten free porridge with soya milk, cashew nuts and banana chips.
- A ridiculous amount of banana chips
- Salad with beans and a little rice and quarter honey and mustard chicken.
I will definitely do better tomorrow.
My workout was 35mins with a variety of blogilates videos. I wanted to do another video but, the last time I did one of her leg videos I couldn’t go down stairs for a week. I always find Pilates deceptive! Check her out if you haven’t seen her on youtube. She is my inspiration. I completely love her. During my workout yesterday around 22 mins my thighs were burning so much and I wanted to step off the elliptical and kept saying to myself “what would Cassey say?’
Who or what inspired you to workout? Do you have someone that you are totally crazy about?
It was my third day at the gym today. I was surprised at how much sweat just kept pouring down my face and into my eyes and down my cheeks. I felt really proud. Sounds a bit disgusting doesn’t it? Sorry.
I’m still doing short workouts because I want to go to the gym everyday. I feel as though working out helps me with other things in my life. Like my concentration at work. With eating almost-healthy. With being hopeful about my life.
- 30 mins core work
- 30 mins elliptical on level 6- my thighs were on fire! Interval training.
For supper I had poussin and a salad today.
Before the gym I had a Nakd cocoa bar and banana. After the gym I had a protein shake.
Here is my food diary from yesterday:
Breakfast flaxseed meal porridge with apple
Supper- homemade gluten free pizza with turkey, kale, tomatoes, carrots and buffalo mozzarella cheese
I hope that you enjoyed your workout as much as I did today.
Love and hugs,
I am actually a little excited about going to the gym this evening. This feels weird. I’m used to pushing exercise to somewhere in the future i.e. never. I am actually looking forward to sweating and feeling the good sort of pain.
Ah, pain. I did very little exercise this weekend. I managed to do about 25 mins of yoga. I’m not sure what muscle goes from my right buttock(kinda of near my tailbone) to my hip bone but I have done something to it. Saturday was the worse- I couldn’t even bend down or over. Finally, on Sunday after heat pack after heat pack I said to myself ‘I need to do pigeon pose’. If you’re unfamiliar with this pose check it out. I’m always a little frightened of this pose as my hips are quite tight but, boy, does it feel good after I’ve done it. I did a couple of videos- one by Sadie Nardini and the other by Jen Hillman After I had done the videos I really happy because the pain had gone away. However, about 15 mins later it was back but definitely less intense. Today, I did Core work at lunch and the moves from the Jen Hillman video and I feel good. My hip is still little off but, I’ve had problems with my hip since I was a child so this is something that I just need to deal with.
You’re probably thinking why does she keep going on about pain? Well, my body is quite strong in some places but I’m not flexible. I have a few injuries and I think that in the past this has put me off exercising although now, I see that if I don’t exercise my muscles get so tight that it’s painful. At my old gym I didn’t go to the yoga class there ‘cos I always felt like a failure for not being able to get into the poses. If I compare this to the me today was doesn’t care that the office behind her can probably see her getting changed before she works out, it makes me laugh. Don’t think that I’m some crazy exhibitionist- I’m not! I have pulled the blinds down and they are shut but I’m pretty sure that you can still see through them. Oh well, lucky office workers!
I tried to take photos of my meals. I’m failing miserable with that. I’ll keep trying.
- Flaxseed meal with peanut butter
- Apples- two I think
- Cashew nuts covered in honey and sesame seeds
- Three large sardines and spinach with onions and garlic. Also juniper and malt vinegar pickled beetroot.
Sunday-I actually took photos! For the whole day. I’ll upload them when I get in.
I definitely felt like I didn’t eat enough during the weekend and this was because I was drinking tonic water for my leg cramps. I don’t normally drink fizzy drinks so this was filling my stomach.
I didn’t take my measurements as I couldn’t bend but I will do sometime this week. I did step on a scale: I’ve lost 1kg- surprisingly in the last 3 weeks. I haven’t really done anything for this so I’m happy.
- Porridge with soya milk and almonds
- Eat Natural cereal bar
- Turkey, spinach, tomato and carrot pizza.
If you haven’t already worked out today, I hope that you’re looking forward to it, too. If you’ve already sweated buckets, well done!
This morning I woke up aching. DOMS had set in. The cramps that I had last night had gotten worse. I felt stiff but I still packed my gym bag. I felt like I was making excuses. Almost as though this new found love was a wave that was going to crash any minute.
Throughout the day I kept noticing different parts of me aching. The soreness near my tailbone from over stretching last week. My triceps. My calfs and hamstrings. My thighs. Oh Lord, my thighs. I decided not to do any Core work at lunchtime hoping that I would feel a little better. Whilst eating my lunch I realised that it was likely that I would not be going to the gym in the evening. I did not feel disappointed as I realised that I owed my body respect. If it was aching then I needed to allow it to rest. Yes, I would love to exercise for 2 hours everyday but I’m not yet at the stage to do that. If this is to be a lifestyle change then my actions don’t need to be crazy and hurricane like. My colleague said to me that I need to listen to my body. So I listened which is not something that I usually do. When I felt like eating sweetcorn for lunch this morning I went out and bought some. I was in pain so I rested. I noticed how it felt to rest my legs on chair. The simple action of elevating my legs felt wonderful.
I came home after work. I eat my salad and watched a few programmes. The old me would have hit the gym and then I would not have gone for a week because I would not have been able to move. I am trying to be consistent. It’s not motivation and will power that I need more of. It’s love and respect for myself. To love myself enough to know that when I’m hurt that I need to rest and to respect that decision instead of pooh-poohing myself and saying ‘Get on with it!’
I didn’t take any photos for my food diary like I said I would because I kept forgetting. There’s always tomorrow, right?
I’ll list the foods that I’ve eaten here today. I have two small breakfasts because I way cup early:
- Flaxseed meal porridge with peanut butter
- Gluten free cornflakes with soya milk and a few almonds
- Nakd Cocoa Orange Raw Bar
- Salad with steamed salmon, sweetorn, avocado and hummus
- 10 almonds
- Dried pears, raisins, dark chocolate covered apricots
- Salad with baked salmon, olives and hummus.
How was your workout today? Do you have any tips for leg cramps?